Wednesday, October 29, 2008

I'd like to pause the world, please

Minutes ticked by tonight, each one causing more aggravation at my lack of ability to power down for the night.

Three things occurred to me which made me get out of bed, turn off the Ambiance track and sit down in front of the computer.

1. I've become a slave to the clock and there's never enough time
2. I've isolated myself from the people who matter most
3. I really can't remember the last time I took the time for 'me'

My diligent allocation of energy for projects has led me to stress over spending too much or too little time to complete. 10 more minutes at the gym because I need to hit an hour. 60 minutes to run to the store. 30 minutes to answer my email. 90 minutes on editing. 30 minutes to let the door primer cure.

10 minutes to eat? When in the hell did I get to the point where I was struggling to find the time to eat? I've always got time for food...

Oh, and as I start this post, there's only 330 minutes until the alarm summons me to get out of bed and start the day. This is the kind of thinking that allows me to find myself recalculating the universe only to find the alarm going off while I'm in the middle of solving a problem or crafting a new idea.

Since I've started the move, I have also closed myself off to my friends and family because I needed more time to do stuff. And all this 'stuff' is making me feel hollow. It's been weeks since I picked up the phone and had a good conversation with my friend in Colorado who is preparing for a major move, or my friend in Germany, who is going through a major life change. And my family, who I am normally in constant contact with, gets quick chirps of data in between PT, work and trips to Home Depot.

I have lost touch with myself as well. Several months back, I specifically adjusted my schedule to allow for one Dani Day per week. A day where I saw visions of myself chillin' in a coffee shop then walking Buster in the park. Dani Day has turned into Appointment Day, Contractor Day, WTF is in this box Day and sometimes Work Day...The boundary I worked so hard to create for myself has been eroded and it is no wonder I'm beginning to resemble Oscar the Grouch- right down to the bulging eyes and bushy eyebrows.

So this weekend, I'm declaring a moratorium on remodel work and part of Friday will be set aside for me, even if the house is a mess. I'm killing the power to the computer and then I'll turn my cell phones off...both of them. And, if all I end up doing is sitting on my couch staring out the window in my sweats and tattered slippers over a cup of coffee, I'll let myself be OK with that moment and hit the 'control+alt+delete' inside my head.

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