blog, delete - or - why I toy with the publish button

More blog entries have been created for this page than will ever post. I think part of this comes from my lack of ability to commit to the publish button. The other component lies in my ability to hide in my journal rather than risk commentary from placing my thoughts online.

Not that my blog is dishonest - 'the long and short of it' will be an account of real feelings. I can commit to publishing things that are funny, even if I am the subject. I can also commit to publishing things that may be shocking. What I haven't made the commitment to is publishing the deep emotions and events that help shape who I have become to be.

Because I've been reserving that for paper. I can scribble through the words that I did not mean to write, but their evidence still remains and the thought somewhat intact. I can spell badly and not feel silly for writing loose instead of lose. Grammar - I don't need it in my journal...As long as the context is close and I can remember what I meant, it doesn't matter if it looks pretty.

But when I sit down to do this - to write my thoughts in a place where others might see, I can decide my ramblings are either too off the wall or they are not exciting enough to hit publish. When I hit control+a+delete, I still feel the cleansing that comes with my writing.

I mean, technically I wrote it down. I made note of whatever it was that made me come to my office and type. But when I delete, there are no scribbles. No bad spelling. And finally, no real account of what it was I felt like rambling about.

So can I learn from blog, delete? Probably not. After all, I'm writing about thoughts and events because I feel I need to. If I delete them, no lessons can be learned from the experience...Even if it is something as goofy as the time I hit myself in the face with a flaming marshmallow. Maybe if I had wrote that down, I wouldn't have done it a second time.