I am the ADHD poster child

Somewhere between remodeling, trying to directly influence company revenue and holiday functions galore this season, I've had just about enough energy to remember that it is the exhale that comes after the inhale as I breathe.

I do it every year. Play too much, work too much and inevitably decide to take on something new during the holidays to try and make me feel like I'm having more fun. This year, I donned myself the baker which resulted in nothing short of the Betty Crocker bomb going off in my kitchen. In a frenzy I surrounded myself with pounds of peppermint candy, zucchini apple bread, rice krispie treats (which the cats helped themselves to after finding the treats on the top of the fridge ) and enough cookies to feed a small army.

So now that two of the big three holidays are passed, I find myself looking to prioritize and plan new direction. I'm making a list for myself - and no, I won't call it any sort of new year's resolution - because that is cliche and quite frankly, is the only sure fire way to guarantee it won't get done.

1. Finish the bathroom - Like, NOW
2. Fill my punching bag with the 100lbs of sand that is sitting in the garage
3. Get back to my kata
4. Finish the stack of books that are half read on my nightstand
5. Find a new gym - or yoga studio - or some place where I can go sweat and not leave feeling pissed off and inadequate
6. Unpack the box that has been sitting next to my dresser since September
7. Try snowshoeing or cross country
8. Pull the Pranayama CD out of the wrapper that I bought months ago
9. Finish the computer upgrade I started months ago

As I put this together I see the common thread - Finish that which you start. Maybe I'm looking more at a new mantra instead of a task list. My epiphany, in this moment of typing, is that the scattered feeling inside is coming from running around doing a lot of different things, but not taking the time to see them through. I'm going to tackle this so I can feel a clearer path of direction set before me.

See

Out of all the senses, it's sight I enjoy most. Especially on days like this... So many of my zen moments happen near the mountains.

Man vs. Woman and the power of the Uterus

I am a strong person who loves her work. I want to see how far I can take my career and support my husband as he does the same. Early in our relationship, we made a conscious decision to not have children (well before my doctor informed me I had to be sure about not wanting to be pregnant before they installed the chromium and cobalt hip that will leach metal into my body and could endanger a fetus).

It's been suggested I'm being selfish and I've been told I'll miss out on the greatest joy a woman can have. But this is my choice.

After sitting through a women & business conference today, I have admiration and respect for women who stay at home to raise their family and especially for those women who have been successful in pursuing a career while also raising a family.

What I wish for is that others would view me as a successful person in business. The fact that I am a woman and especially a woman who has chosen to pursue a career instead of a family, does not make me any better or worse for who I am or what I do. I am a good person. I make good decisions. I offer effective solutions. I am committed to what I do.

Every time I attend a conference like this, I walk away not only wondering why we haven't gotten past the woman vs. man issues in the workforce, but why I'm seen as lesser of a woman for deciding not to have children...

Sneezing in the dust mask is messy

And so is ripping out multiple layers of shit off the floor so we can remodel the bathroom.

Discoveries I made today:

1. I'm a sucker for loud noise, big tools and breaking stuff.
   
   
2. The original paint on the walls of my house were Crest colored green.
   
   
3. If you smack the floor hard enough with a sledgehammer, you can actually knock part of the wall off the bathroom in the basement down below....didn't particularly care for the gold glittered masonite much anyway, no love lost.
   
   
4. True to form - as with ANY home project involving tools or flame, I had an injury. Tried to fillet my thumb with glazed porcelain tile - turns out that stuff is REALLY sharp.
   
   
5. Apparently the toilet in this particular bathroom leaked for some time. And the tar paper that was placed on top of the sub floor to act as a water barrier did not work.
   
   
6. There were many layers on the floor. Layer #1: sub floor (good), layer #2: tar paper (not good), layer #3: particle board (uh, also not good), layer #4: turquoise with gold glitter laminate, layer #5: mortar, layer #6: backer board, layer #7: mortar and finally layer #8: the porcelain tile. Layers 8 - 4 are gone. Layers 3 and 2 are in progress and #1 will have to be cut out and replaced from leaky toilet listed above (and to think, I was planning on banging out some tile then laying more later in the week...HA!)
   
   
7. Sneezing in the dust mask creates horrible splash back onto your face and will splatter into safety goggles if said mask is not properly in place.

More updates to follow - in the meantime, here's some snapshots below.

Discovery of original paint color, goofy laminate and finding a good place to start yanking tile...


Demo Dani...Not pretty, but sure a lot of fun. Safety first!

And, this is about the point where I started swearing at the discovery of many additional layers that needed removal/replacement.

I'd like to pause the world, please

Minutes ticked by tonight, each one causing more aggravation at my lack of ability to power down for the night.

Three things occurred to me which made me get out of bed, turn off the Ambiance track and sit down in front of the computer.

1. I've become a slave to the clock and there's never enough time
2. I've isolated myself from the people who matter most
3. I really can't remember the last time I took the time for 'me'

My diligent allocation of energy for projects has led me to stress over spending too much or too little time to complete. 10 more minutes at the gym because I need to hit an hour. 60 minutes to run to the store. 30 minutes to answer my email. 90 minutes on editing. 30 minutes to let the door primer cure.

10 minutes to eat? When in the hell did I get to the point where I was struggling to find the time to eat? I've always got time for food...

Oh, and as I start this post, there's only 330 minutes until the alarm summons me to get out of bed and start the day. This is the kind of thinking that allows me to find myself recalculating the universe only to find the alarm going off while I'm in the middle of solving a problem or crafting a new idea.

Since I've started the move, I have also closed myself off to my friends and family because I needed more time to do stuff. And all this 'stuff' is making me feel hollow. It's been weeks since I picked up the phone and had a good conversation with my friend in Colorado who is preparing for a major move, or my friend in Germany, who is going through a major life change. And my family, who I am normally in constant contact with, gets quick chirps of data in between PT, work and trips to Home Depot.

I have lost touch with myself as well. Several months back, I specifically adjusted my schedule to allow for one Dani Day per week. A day where I saw visions of myself chillin' in a coffee shop then walking Buster in the park. Dani Day has turned into Appointment Day, Contractor Day, WTF is in this box Day and sometimes Work Day...The boundary I worked so hard to create for myself has been eroded and it is no wonder I'm beginning to resemble Oscar the Grouch- right down to the bulging eyes and bushy eyebrows.

So this weekend, I'm declaring a moratorium on remodel work and part of Friday will be set aside for me, even if the house is a mess. I'm killing the power to the computer and then I'll turn my cell phones off...both of them. And, if all I end up doing is sitting on my couch staring out the window in my sweats and tattered slippers over a cup of coffee, I'll let myself be OK with that moment and hit the 'control+alt+delete' inside my head.